I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-huffing ass, as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. As He meant all men to be!
Charles Francis "Charlie" Harper is one of the main characters of Two and a Half Men from Season 1-8 & a guest character in Season 9 & the series finale. He was played by Charlie Sheen for Seasons 1-8, Kathy Bates in a episode of Season 9 and a uncredited actor in the series finale.
Charlie was conceived by Evelyn and Frank Harper, and when Evelyn saw the ultrasound, the doctor said she was having a daughter because there were no signs of male genitalia. Evelyn gave birth to Charlie after seven and a half months.
One year, Charlie said he wanted a little brother for Christmas, so nine months later, Evelyn had her second born son, Alan. Charlie and Alan's father died of food poisoning, this resulted in the two boys having three stepfathers. The first, Harry Luther Gorsky, eventually left the family for a younger woman. The second, Don Thomas, a twitchy gay man from Texas who called him and Alan "buckaroos". The third, Luther King, an overweight guy whose daughter Charlie seduced.
Charlie has always had a strained relationship with Alan, and would go to all costs to get out of being a good big brother to him. As a kid, Charlie would bully his brother by giving him wedgies and making fun of him at school. As a kid, Charlie once put a toy in Alan's pocket to shop-lift, and when they got caught, he made Alan take the blame.
When Charlie first met Judith, they instantly clashed, and Charlie even bribed Alan with money to not marry her. At Alan and Judith's wedding, Charlie had relations with Judith's sister, Liz in the coat closet.
During the late 1980s or early 1990's, Charlie slept with a woman he never spoke to again, and had a daughter named Jenny. Although Charlie was never in her life, he did send checks to Jenny's mother every month to support her. The last time they saw each other was on Jenny's fourth birthday. According to Jenny, Charlie sent her only one letter in his life, just to ask her if her friends were 18 yet.
Charlie started dating Lisa, a girl he fell madly in love with. Charlie and Lisa bought the Malibu beach house together and both hired Charlie's housekeeper, Berta. Charlie and Lisa had a different kind of relationship. The couple constantly fought, there were times they both lived there, times where only Charlie lived there, times where only Lisa lived there, and even times where neither of them lived there. Charlie and Lisa ended up breaking up for good, and Charlie got the house. Charlie refers to Lisa as his favorite girlfriend.
Later on, Charlie had another serious girlfriend, Jill. Charlie got serious with Jill, but she broke up with him because she wanted to go to Europe and "find" herself.
One night, Charlie has a one-night stand with a woman he met at a bar named Rose. Charlie soon learns the next morning that Rose is his neighbor, and ever since their one night together, Rose has stalked Charlie. Rose once glued Charlie's testicles to his thigh, and glued all his cabinets shut.
Life with his brother and nephew
Charlie welcomes in his recently divorced brother, Alan Harper, with his son Jake. Charlie adjusts to his brother and nephew living with him, a one night stand, Rose, continues stalking him. Charlie learns that his favorite ex-girlfriend, Lisa is getting married, another ex named Jill, is now 'Bill', and his former sister-in-law, Liz doesn't remember who he is, even when they had relations at their sibling's wedding.
Charlie starts to get annoyed with his brother for sponging off him, he dates Jake's teacher, dates the female version of him, and more. Charlie attempts to reconcile with his ex-girlfriend, Lisa, who is recently divorced; the relationship does not work out.
Charlie starts dating a ballet teacher named Mia. The relationship lasts several episodes, but they split up when she keeps on trying to make him change. In the season finale, Mia comes back to Malibu and Charlie proposes. Mia agrees and they start to plan a wedding. Charlie and Mia decide to elope in Las Vegas and only have Alan and his girlfriend Kandi there. When Charlie learns that Mia wants Alan to move out, they call off the wedding. Charlie gives Alan and Kandi his wedding rings, and Alan marries Kandi and moves out.
Charlie enjoys life with his brother having moved out, and his fiancée having left him. Charlie throws parties every night and enjoys the single life. Alan knocks on Charlie's door, four months after getting married and announces that Kandi kicked him out. Charlie has to deal with Alan and Jake moving back in, and Alan's second divorce.
Charlie starts a relationship with Lydia, a stuck-up snob in real estate that Alan, Jake, Rose, and Berta think is exactly like Evelyn, which is why Charlie's dating her. The couple eventually break up when Lydia gets into a fight with Berta and they make him choose.
One Christmas, Charlie has a one-night stand with a woman named Gloria, who is revealed to be his and Alan's half sister from when their mother's husband had an affair with another woman.
Charlie has a brief relationship with Judith's fiancé's sister, Myra Melnick. The relationship doesn't go further when Charlie learns that Myra has to go home to her fiancé.
Charlie starts dating a judge named Linda for several episodes. The relationship ends when Charlie humiliates Linda at a special dinner.
Charlie falls in love with his future stepsister, Courtney. At the wedding, Charlie proposes to her and she says yes. The brief engagement is called off when Teddy dies hours after his marriage with Evelyn, and Courtney is revealed to be a con artist and is arrested.
Charlie learns that his ex-fiancée, Mia, is getting married. Charlie crashes the wedding to announce that he is still in love with her. Mia turns him down, and her dad punches him in the nose.
Charlie starts dating a woman named Chelsea and the relationship gets serious. Charlie tells her that he loves her, but she just says "Thank you." Charlie proposes to Chelsea so he can get her to say she loves him. Chelsea says yes to the proposal. The couple move in together at the end of the season. Charlie is there when Judith gives birth to her daughter, Milly.
Charlie and Chelsea starts to make preparations for their marriage, at the same time both try to convive with each other's families. After Alan is arrested for punching a guy in a bar, Chelsea finds him a lawyer, Brad, which causes Chelsea a little attraction, and invites the couple to a charity event. Charlie tells Chelsea he won't be going, but Alan later warns him about Chelsea and Brad possible attraction. Charlie wonders if it's true, and after hints that Chelsea may have some relationship with Brad, both have a fight, and she leaves the house. After entering depression, and eventually marrying a woman named Betsy in Las Vegas (which was actually invalid, as she was already married), Charlie learns that Chelsea and Brad are dating, and even stalks her with Alan's help. Both later have a post-breakup one-night stand, and are left rethinking if they have done the right thing in breaking up. Charlie runs into Chelsea's friend [Gail], which had previously stayed at his house during a hard breakup, and attracted Charlie and Alan (the latter caused her to leave the house by Charlie's and Berta's idea). Both had relations, but Charlie learns that Chelsea is having problems with Brad. Both meet to talk, but Chelsea storms off when Charlie tells he slept with Gail, and later when she goes to his house to apologize, but finds Charlie is sleeping with Gail again. After hearing that Alan was invited to Chelsea's birthday, Charlie takes Jake to give her a present by him, but after trying to hide from her, he crashes into a police car, and is arrested.
Single yet again, Charlie spends the majority of season 8, pursuing new women hoping to replace Chelsea. However, he begins to develop genuine feelings for Rose after she becomes a married woman. This is soon proven false, as she is using a mannequin ("Manfred Quinn") to pose as her husband in order to make Charlie jealous, and eventually win him over. In the last episode of the season, Charlie and Rose take an ill-fated trip to Paris.
As the season ended abruptly due to Sheen's departure from the series, the story arc between Charlie and Rose was scrapped and Charlie was written out of the series.
Married life and imprisonment
Charlie and Rose later get married and spend their honeymoon in Paris. Charlie, however, fails to stay loyal, and Rose finds him in bed with another woman, a mime, and a goat. Rose storms out of the hotel room and Charlie chases her to the train station. Wanting revenge, Rose goes to push Charlie in front of an oncoming train, but the goat who was in bed with Charlie is pushed instead, and dies. Rose then takes Charlie captive and back to California where she buys a house and has a pit put in her basement which she keeps Charlie locked up in from that day forward.
A funeral for Charlie is held after Rose claims that Charlie slipped on the metro platform and fell in front of an oncoming train. The reaction to this news was mixed, with Charlie's family in grief and Charlie's former girlfriends in disbelief. Berta blurted out how "you never cross a crazy woman", heavily implying that Rose had to do with Charlie's accident in that she was the one to push him in front of the train.
Following his "death", Charlie's beach house was put on sale by Alan and Jake. After the goat that got killed instead of Charlie gets cremated and delivered in a urn to Alan, he plans to sprinkle his ashes on the beach. However, when Alan looks outside he gets startled when he sees Walden Schmidt standing on the deck outside, which causes him to drop the urn. Walden just broke up with his wife Bridget and decides to buy Charlie's beach house. Despite being sold to a total stranger, Alan and Jake worked their way into staying in the house for good.
A major plotline in 9 episodes of Season 9 dealt with Alan healing from Charlie's supposed death and moving on with his life. Charlie was frequently brought up in conversations. He was mentioned in 12 episodes in Season 9.
In "Thank You For The Intercourse", Walden, started singing out loud some of Charlie's most famous jingles, which causes Alan's repressed grief over his death to get the better of him. Following Walden's donation of the grand piano, Alan and Jake had a father-and-son chat, discussing how much they missed Charlie. Jake Harper mentions he was aware of how lonely Charlie seemed to be.
When Alan is hospitalized following a mild heart attack in "Why We Gave Up Women", he is visited by a mysterious woman who identifies herself as Charlie's Ghost. Charlie explains that he is in hell, and has been cursed to live as a old, large lady with a pair of testicles, though he's actually enjoying it. Charlie encourages Alan that after 8 years of sponging off of him, he can't do the same with Walden. Taking this advice to heart, Alan moves out of Walden's house and finds himself a small apartment. Charlie returns later and laughs that after 8 years and coming back from hell, he finally got Alan out of his house, revealing that he only came back to screw with Alan one last time. Charlie later tries to mess with Jake (however he is too stupid and stoned to pick up on the hints Charlie tries to feed him), so he returns to Hell with 2 sexy women.
It has been revealed that Charlie left a journal in a safe-deposit box, which he used to log some of his thoughts in. Alan read the journal, learning things about his brother he would have never imagined.
In Season 10, Rose begins dating Walden, but Alan warns him of her history with Charlie. Though surprisingly, Alan didn't mention that he suspected Rose killed him, but it is subtly alluded to when Rose visits the house, this being the first time she has seen Alan since the funeral. Terrified, he tells her "You've got a lot of nerve coming here"
Later, in the episode "Something My Gynecologist Said", Walden recounts Charlie's life and death to a woman he was seeing, claiming it to be the story of his latest novel. He then adds how a billionaire bought the house after his death and lived with the man's brother. The woman found it to be a terrible plot. In "Give Santa a Tail-Hole", Alan spent yet another Christmas alone (having been alone the previous year which was his first Christmas without Charlie), but this time Berta comes to keep him company. When she arrived, Alan was very intoxicated, which prompts her to say "As drunk as your brother but without the charm!"
This is the first of two seasons in the show's history where Charlie does not make a single appearance.
In season 11, Charlie's long-lost daughter Jenny Harper arrives at Charlie's former beach house to meet her remaining family. While Alan and Evelyn are shocked that Charlie has a daughter, Berta is only surprised that there aren't any more. Alan brings out Charlie's urn to "introduce" him to his daughter who he last saw when she was four years old, but while doing this Alan accidentally spills them again, and then after arguing with Walden and his mother he spills them for a third time. Walden shows her where Charlie used to sleep and said that he wished that there was more that Charlie left behind, other than Alan. After living some time with Evelyn, she decides to come live in the beach house as well.
In the episode Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang, Walden talks to Charlie's urn and introduces himself as the guy that took his place. While holding his urn, Walden gets startled when he sees Vivian (Mila Kunis) outside on the deck, which caused him to drop the urn in a similar way how Alan dropped the urn in season 9 when he sees Walden outside. After spilling them this fourth time, Walden tells Vivian that Charlie's remains are "mostly carpet lint" at that point.
It's revealed that Alan keeps Charlie's supposed ashes in the liquor cabinet and has brought them with him and Walden when they go to watch a movie.
Escape and death
Having spent four years locked up in a pit in Rose's dungeon, Charlie finally manages to break out in the series finale and is now out for revenge, having been brainwashed by Rose to hate Alan and Walden. He sends the three of them threatening messages, while using the royalties he has received for the kid's songs he has written to send checks to Jake, Berta, Jenny, and former girlfriends Mia, Chelsea, Miss Pasternak, and a drag queen. After Alan starts believing that Charlie must still be alive, Rose confirms this and tells him, Walden, Evelyn and Berta the whole story about how she kept him in a dungeon pit for four years and that he now wants revenge. Knowing Alan and Walden have gone to the police, he frames another guy (Christian Slater) for being him in order to get the police off his tail. Alan, Walden, and Berta all sit on the beach house's deck, drinking a beer, when they see a helicopter flying in their direction, carrying a grand piano. Meanwhile, Charlie Harper himself makes his way to the front door where he proceeds to ring the doorbell. However, the piano is dropped on top of him, killing him instantly, thus ending the show.
Though the for the better part Charlie retains his player status throughout the series he will dedicate himself to one woman at times, the longest being Chelsea, whom he was committed to more than anyone else. Also he fell head-over-heels for Mia, whom he prepared to marry in Vegas but quickly got cold feet and called it off. His longest tactile friendship is with his one-night stand, turned stalker, Rose, who did care about Charlie, but was vengeful and obviously crazy, to the point where she continuously broke into his home and once glued his testicles to his thigh. He confessed to loving her near the end of the eight season, becoming engaged to her in Paris but once cheated on her with a French maid and a goat, prompting her to throw him underneath a train.
Charlie is confident, persuasive and charming, and uses trickery or backhand manipulations to get women into bed, traits which are displayed in ("Just Like Buffalo") when he scatters toys he "bought" for Jake throughout his house to gain sympathy as the "loving and caring uncle", and at the climax where he successfully charms Judith's support group despite them all being mad for the sexist remarks displayed in his behaviour. He also treats the process of sleeping with many women simultaneously as a contest, normally trying to best himself after each encounter. Examples include after meeting his satanic girlfriend, Isabel's coven, he has sex with all thirteen of them which he deems "a personal best", ("Hi, Mr. Horned One"), and with five at the same time, ("Working for Caligula"). Also when the bar filled with attractive volleyball players and Alan asked which one he wanted, Charlie responded with the main goal of the night being nine, ("Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab"). While he has his rough edges, he is caring inside with a deep love of his family. Examples of this is when he decided not to marry his fiance just so Alan and Jake don't have to worry about finding a new place to live.
He also has little if any provincial boundaries to whom he will have sex with, at times even at the risk of his own health. He has a history of sleeping with women even if they were mentally unbalanced, this was revealed when Alan was against sleeping with his unstable girlfriend, Sandy and he urges that it was "great" but it was best to pick "a position where [he] could see their hands". The best example is with Rose but there is the chance that she didn't reveal her crazy nature while they were dating. Despite his hychondriac nature he had sex with a woman who was sick and became sick after the encounter which was actually set up by Rose. Even after discovering that her girlfriend, Linda she was exactly like Evelyn in both characteristics and dress style he still had sex with her, claiming "[he] was already going to hell", ("Apologies for the Frivolity"). The one time Charlie did pass up sex however was with Gloria who Evelyn shown that that she was his possible half-sister which amazed both Berta and Rose as they found his boundary, ("Walnuts and Demerol").
One of Charlie's striking traits is that although he lives a life of selfish womanising and whore-mongering, he receives no "karmic justice" for his actions and instead it's either the woman he sleeps with or his own family who suffer. He has a purely physical relationship with Alan's high-priced lawyer but ends up dumping her in favour for her assistant which causes her to vindictively take it out on Alan, leaving him with virtually nothing in the divorce (ironically the cause of many episode plots throughout the series), ("No Sniffing, No Wowing"). The prime example is with Miss Pasternak, Jake's teacher whom he slept with, ("A Bag Full of Jawea") and in return she gave Jake perfect scores on all tests but ran out on her, prompting her to give all students massive amounts of work and a breakdown, biting the PE teacher, losing her job, estranging her relationship with her parents and forcing her to become a stripper after which Charlie became extremely remorseful over "ruining her life" and tries to make amends by have her tutor Jake, causing her to "see the light" and become a Christian after which she planned to live with Charlie for eternity prompting him to run out on her once again, causing Pasternak another breakdown, ("A Jock Strap In Hell").
Even though he excels at using trickery to get women into bed with him, there are occasions when Charlie has been dominated and manipulated by the opposite gender. The prime example is with Berta, his housekeeper who he is actually terrified by, claiming "what Berta lacks in cleaning skills she makes up for in upper body strength", ("Santa's Village of the Damned") which is the main reason of him allowing her to do as little work as possible. However whenever Charlie runs into any personal problems it is normally because of Rose. She constantly manipulates him and controls his life, such as gluing his testicles to his thigh, handcuffing him to a refrigerator, consistently entering his house without Charlie's consent, gluing his cupboards shut, ("Pilot"), messing with his mind by repeatedly flying from London and wearing different wigs, ("City of Great Racks"), scaring off his fiancé Mia by wearing a wedding dress to her home and hoping that the two of them don't get "mixed up along the aisle, ("That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite"), purposefully getting Charlie sick by sending a girl with the flu to sleep with him, deceiving him into allowing her to take care of him for two weeks by continuously drugging him, ("A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh") staging a fake wedding with a mannequin to get him jealous ,("The Crazy Bitch Gazette") and imprisoning him in a pit for four years ,("Of Course He's Dead").
Charlie constantly "whoremongers" but in later seasons shows an interest in dating more sophisticated types of women. Examples are while trying to talk with his girlfriend, Dee-Dee after sex he was irritated by her and asks Alan to set him up with Lydia, a judge, ("Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo"). He will even get rid of his own dates if he has absolutely no interest in them. Shown when he abandoned one at a sidewalk when he discovered that he would rather be with Herb's sister, Myra after having an interesting talk the other night, ("Smooth as a Ken Doll. He is also known to let his age get the better of him. He through out his back out during sex with an actress, ("Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!") and became insecure about his age when he lost his girlfriend to an attractive Latino handyman, ignoring that he didn't like her in the first place and actually bought her affection with diamonds, ("Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'").
Charlie's Malibu Beach house is the main driven story for multiple episode plots. He is also incorrigible to any least significant change and perceives himself as "king of the castle" where he is actually ignorant to what goes on in his own home. When Alan bought a ceramic dish and used it for a key bowl in his living room he went berserk and actually destroyed it in his fireplace in a fit of rage. He also states that everything in his living room decor is there for a reason which Alan compared to looking like TGI Friday's, ("The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room"). Charlie has had multiple sexual relationships with women in his bedroom something that is emphasised where after Teddy Leopald died and police searched for semen in Charlie's room with a blacklight, it actually covered all the walls (and the ceiling fan which he calls a "funny story"), ("Fish in a Drawer"). He sleeps using Egyptian cotton and has a self-heating toilet seat. It's also revealed he has two TV's in his room, one over-looking his bed that records him and channels to his living room television (presumably to review his sexual encounters), ("The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel") and overlooking his bathroom, ("Pinocchio's Mouth").
Episode plots dictate Charlie constantly trying to get Alan out of his house. He came close after having an argument with him over a ceramic dish, prompting him and Jake to move out into Evelyn and Teddy's but chose to apologise to his brother in favour of his mother moving in with him. He kicked him out once after Alan kept badgering him for the 38 dollars he lent him, causing him to move into Judith and Herb but was once again kicked out when he accidentally kissed Judith and practically had to beg his way in, ("Pie Hole, Herb
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